An Open Letter to the Guy Who Is Annoyed That I Brought a Small Child on This Flight

Of course, I do not know this because you have used our shared gift of human language to communicate your thoughts with me, but rather because I have intuited it from your body language. While I am sure you have an impressive educational background, excellent career references, and a lengthy resume full of accomplishments–all of which probably largely rely on your excellent verbal skills!–it seems the mere presence of my small child on this airplane has inexplicably transformed your vocabulary into a Paleolithic-era series of grunts, huffs, emphatic head swivels, and pained looks. Do you have something you’d like to share with me? Perhaps you could try talking to me. After all, humans have spent literally hundreds of thousands of years developing our linguistic and social skills. Now would be an appropriate time to use them! Maybe we could find some common ground or I could better understand your needs and desires.

Perhaps (if we were on speaking terms) you would admit that you feel my child, or the other children on the flight, are simply too loud to make the flight bearable. Have you heard of headphones? I can see why you may not have, since they were only invented in 1919, a mere 95 years ago. Also, pretty much everyone in the world owns multiple pairs of them. But you make a great point; new-fangled technology can be hard to keep up with these days! You might be amazed to learn that they have even invented a type of headphone that is known as “noise-cancelling.” I hope I’m not speaking out of turn when I tell you that these magical devices actually do just that–they cancel out the noises around you, including (but not limited to) those made by children. And no, I am NOT making this up. But perhaps these noise-canceling marvels are not for you. Who knows, maybe you feel that the straight-to-video romantic comedy you are currently enjoying on an infinitesimal screen is just not the same without the deafening hum of the airplane’s engines to round out your auditory experience. I personally can’t enjoy a crappy Cameron Diaz vehicle without it. To each his own, right?

Are you worried that my kid will kick your seat? I will admit that I have flown at least half a million miles in my life, and I have LITERALLY never had this happen to me. Who are these apocryphal long-legged children that are able to reach their tiny, terrible feet with enough force to actually kick the seats? Are you traveling exclusively on flights with the family members of NBA players? Do you really think my pint-sized baby/toddler possesses this ability? Have you seen him? He is short and so are his legs. Also, he pretty much exclusively sits “criss cross applesauce.” I think your fear in this regard may be a little out of proportion.

Did you have high hopes for this flight that have now all been dashed by the presence of me and my young companion? Did you book the flight and think to yourself, “12 hours inside a tin can with stale air, nasty food, tiny $8 portions of cheap Merlot, and as many unwashed masses as the airline can cram into the cabin- aaaahhhh. That sounds like a recipe for relaxation!”? Do you believe that if my child were to suddenly disappear, this flight would all of a sudden be a terrific way to spend your time? Because I have to say, I just don’t think you’re being honest with yourself. Somewhere, deep down, I think you know that flights in economy class pretty much suck. But they are a great way to get quickly from point A to point B.

Speaking of which, might it not be a better use of your mental energy to consider how amazing/ stupefying/ fortunate it is that you (or your company!) can pay some insignificant amount of money to enter a climate-controlled metal tube, on any day of the year, that safely transports you across the freaking GLOBE in mere hours, on a journey that it would have literally taken your great-grandfather months, and been far less comfortable? Are you telling me you would rather be in a covered wagon right now? Or a clipper ship? Because I don’t really think that is true. Also, those places had kids too. And they probably smelled a lot worse than mine does.

And hey, say what you will about my kid, but at least he doesn’t use a Knee Defender. Or recline his seat. Or hog up the overhead compartment with a giant bag. He doesn’t even have a bag. Those have all gotta count for something.

Karen

P.S. Seriously, I really think you should consider the noise-cancelling headphones.

Photo credit: Er0l on flickr.