{happening in my head} Top Five Food Words and Phrases I’d Like to Ban from the Internet

I’m sure I’m not alone in being irked by the overuse of certain food words and phrases on the web. I am probably (definitely) guilty of using these at some point or another, but I would totally ban them if I were the mayor of the Internet. (Is that a job? It should be. I’m voting for Nate Silver.) Here are the top five words and phrases I would be happy never to read or hear again.

Top Five Food Words and Phrases I’d Like to Ban from the Internet

5. Let’s start out with your basic yummy, yum, yum-o, etc. These are not descriptors that should ever be written down anywhere, they are words you should use only when attempting to convince a 4-year-old that broccoli looks like tiny trees and is something they will enjoy.

4. Unless you have made crystal meth-coated pork ribs, please stop saying that food is addictive or that it’s like crack. Have you ever seen someone on crack? I used to live in a crackhead-rich neighborhood, and I ask you to trust me when I say that a person on crack looks and acts nothing like a person who ate a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s without stopping.I get it; sometimes something tastes so good that you can’t stop shoving it into your face. That has happened to all of us. But until you start pawning granny’s heirlooms to pay for that onion dip, or unless running out of salted caramel corn requires a methadone shot, I beseech you to find another expression.

3. More of a class of abbreviations, I am opposed to changing the ending of a perfectly good food word to something ending in -ies. I’m talking about things like veggies and sammies. But it’s so cuuuuuuute! Just kidding. It’s not cute, it’s awful.  I don’t see how “vegetables” and “sandwiches” could become so overly cumbersome on your lips or on the page that you are reduced to infantilizing them. Have some respect for vegetables and sandwiches, and frankly, for yourself.

2. Now let’s talk about another major offender, sinful. OK, so you are trying to express that a food is so rich and so bad for you that eating it makes you feel guilty. But let’s face it, a chocolate cheesecake is not going to send you to Hell or even to Confession. Murdering, adultery, idolatry: those are sinful. That Oreo-filled brownie sundae will give you a helluva stomachache and probably make your butt a little bigger. But as far as I know, no major religion considers that a sin.

1. The number one most irritating food descriptor is to die for. Now I love eating, but I wouldn’t die for any one specific food or recipe or dish. And neither would you. So cut it out already.

How about you? What food words and phrases do you want to ban from the Internet?